Alvin Greene: Obscenely Refreshing

Alvin Greene is 32-years-old. He doesn’t have a job. He doesn’t have a computer. He doesn’t even have a cell phone. Despite all of this, Mr. Greene is South Carolina’s Democratic candidate for the United States Senate. His Democratic congressmen claims Greene’s a Republican plant, part of some conspiracy to abuse the state’s open primary system. The pundits claim the only reason he won his party’s Senatorial Primary against Vic Rawl was because his name appeared above his opponent’s on the ballot. However he got to where he is, Alvin Greene is the Democratic party’s only hope against Republican incumbent Senator Jim DeMint. It will be an uphill fight for Alvin Greene, not only because his opponent has 3.5 million dollars to outfox an unemployed man living with his dad, but also because Mr. Greene seems to have a few skeletons in his closet.

Unanswered Questions

Now that Mr. Greene has been pushed into the national limelight, the press is trying to get to the bottom of at least three fishy aspects of the candidate’s past. First, how did a man with no job raise the $10,000 filing fee required to run for Senate? Accusations and speculations are running wild as to where this money came from. Greene’s answer is refreshingly simple: He saved his own money for several years. It may be difficult for our credit line busting populous to comprehend, but maybe there’s still someone out there willing to hunker down and save for something he thinks is important. It’s still probably too early to tell what the real story is with that $10,000, but in this fast-paced political and media landscape, answers can’t be too far down the line.

The second troubling enigma in the Alvin Greene for Senate controversy is the circumstances surrounding his discharge from the armed services. After 13 years serving in the Air Force and then the Army, Greene was given an honorable discharge, but it was involuntary. When asked why the discharge was involuntary, Greene stumbles around an answer, never quite offering a satisfactory response. Hopefully the smoke will soon clear in this matter as well.

The third controversy is also the most troubling. Alvin Greene has been charged, but not convicted, of felony obscenity. His crime? While sitting next to a college student in a library, he showed her some pornographic pictures he was looking at, and suggested they go visit her room. Pretty creepy behavior, but felonious? Reality check America: she was 18 and he never touched her. If we took every man who tried to fuck a college student and put them in jail, we would bring society to a grinding halt. Trains would stop moving, the electricity would go out, our national defenses would go down and we would probably get nuked by North Korea. Personally, I don’t trust anyone who wouldn’t try to fuck a college student.

Alvin Greene hasn’t opened up on these issues to the press. Neither MSNBC nor Fox News can get a straight answer out of this guy. And yet, nothing at all is better than what Greene’s opponent Jim DeMint has to say about the issues. DeMint wants a country where children pray in school, every illegal immigrant is immediately deported, people are forced to speak English, and a woman doesn’t have a right to choose what to do with her body. Even if Alvin Green were a CONVICTED felon, the choice would still be clear:

Alvin Greene for Senate