Author 337

Liberativism: Or How I Became Liberal for All the Wrong Reasons

Posted in Writings by author337 on April 30, 2011

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Most people are familiar with the old adage, “If you’re conservative as a youth, you have no heart, and if you’re liberal when you’re old, you have no brain.” But what about us who like the idea of having both a heart and a brain for their entire life? Here’s a guide to my new outlook on life: Liberativism. Here are the tenets of this new ideology.

Abortion:

I support a woman’s right to choose not because I give a shit about anyone’s rights, but because every abortion is one less unwanted child my tax dollars have to spend to send through orphanages, schools and prisons. If mom and dad can’t pay for a child, why the fuck should I have to it?

If we don't let gays adopt, who will take care of all the kids the religiots won't abort?

Gayness:

Religidiots say that gayness is a disgrace to God. Bullshit, gayness is one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. It’s called population control Pastor Douchenugget. Every dick in an ass is one less dick impregnating someone with another baby whose just gonna breathe my air and make it harder for my kids to get into college. These same religious assholes say gays shouldn’t be able to adopt kids. Bullshit, we need the gays to adopt all of the unwanted kids who you religious retards failed to abort.

Racism:

I’m against racism not because I love all of mankind but because there are far better reasons to hate your fellow humans than the color of their skin. Really? Race? That’s the only reason you can think of to despise your fellow man? Don’t hate people because they’re black or white, hate them because they’re assholes.

War:

I’m antiwar, not because I’m against nation-toppling, but because I’m against doing it inefficiently. Why invade and occupy a country when you can have the CIA just illegally murder their leaders and family? Who’s gonna stop us? The UN? Just try bitches, we’re America. Who the fuck are you?

Drugs:

Legalize ’em, not because they’re good, but because they make money. Why SPEND money stopping drugs when we GET money leaving people who want to exercise their god-given right to ruin their lives the fuck alone. Furthermore, why are we letting drug cartels and gang-bangers get our all the drug money when it could be going to lowering the deficit. Snoogans.

Immigration:

Let everybody in baby! Not because everyone deserves a shot at the American dream, but because no one wants to clean their own toilet. And I’m not the kind of person who thinks that immigrants are the only ones who will do these jobs, they’re just the only ones who will do them without all the fucking attitude.

Prostitution:

I’m against human sex trafficking, not because I think paying for sex is bad, I just think we should treat our prostitutes better than that. They’re some of the hardest working folks on the planet. Plus, saying that prostitution is illegal unfairly implies that there is a difference between paying a woman for sex and marrying her.

Education Funding:

Quite frankly, we need to pay our teachers a decent wage. Not to support the teachers we already have, but to root them out and attract more qualified people to replace them. Because let’s face it, if teaching was a decent job, most of the people who are now teachers wouldn’t be qualified. That’s why they’re working a dead end job like teaching.

The Arts:

We need to spend more time teaching people about music, dramatics, and literature. Not because the arts are great, most art is pretentious crap, but because kids need an outlet to express their awful thoughts and feelings. Let our kids draw pictures of tits and people getting their arms ripped off. They’re already thinking it.

So there you have it, Liverativism, the only political ideology bound to piss off everyone. Because the only way to tell you have truly refused to compromise your ideals is if everyone thinks you’re an asshole, even yourself.

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