Author 337

Top 5 Christmas Movies

Posted in Writings by author337 on December 24, 2013

The year is winding to a close and it’s time to enjoy all of the wonderful movies this magnificent season has to offer you and your beloved family. Only have time to watch a handful of films, do you? Fret not! We’ve put together a spectacular list of heart-warming Christmas classics that are guaranteed to fill your soul with holiday joy. So without further ado, we are proud to present the top 5 Christmas movies for you to watch with your kin! Merry Christmas and to all a good year!

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5. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

“Merry Christmas 007,” sneers Ernest Stavro Blofeld, arch nemesis of secret agent James Bond, before gifting him a horrific Christmas death within the mechanical bowels of an Alpine gondola. After leaving Bond for dead, Blofeld proceeds to play Santa with the harem of hot lady-hostages holed up in his evil snowy lair, stuffing their stockings with brainwashing devices that turn these lovely young vixens into ecological terrorist-elves, delivering death and starvation to billions (and to all a good night, indeed). Although Bond manages to escape death and foil Blofeld’s dastardly plan, the villainous mastermind does succeed in murdering Bond’s wife and one true love. Happy Christmas indeed!

4. Lethal Weapon

It’s the Holiday Season in Los Angeles and we all know what that means: A  beautiful and bare-breasted young woman has leapt to her death from a high-rise building in a suicidal stupor induced by Draino-laced narcotics. So America’s favorite law enforcement agency, the LAPD, sends in their best officer,  a crazed Vietnam-vet-turned-narcotics-officer-who-has-recently-lost-his-wife-and-almost-murdered-a-suspect-while-conducting-a-drug-bust-at-a-Christmas-tree lot. After a harrowing series of insanely violent shootouts, he manages to bust the ring of pornographers and drug runners behind the beautiful young woman’s death and is finally able to celebrate Christmas properly: at the grave of his dead wife! But don’t worry, he still has time to deliver a Christmas present to his partner, the bullet he was planning on blowing his own brains out with. Ho! Ho! Ho!

3. Rent

A movie musical that takes place on Christmas Eve! Yay, what’s it about? Why it’s the heartwarming tale of a barely-legal heroin-addicted stripper who falls in love with a washed-up recovering junkie-rockstar-wannabe who lives with a penniless filmmaker whose promiscuous girlfriend left him for a woman more manly than him. Although they can’t afford the electricity for Christmas lights, or any lights for that matter, they at least won’t spend their Christmas sober

because after being mercilessly beaten by street thugs, their ATM-robbing hacker ex-roomate shows up with a transgender street performer bearing a bottle of booze purchased with blood money earned from murdering the innocent dog of the former friend turned landlord who is letting them live in their shithole of a building for free. And when he reveals a Christmas plan to improve their quality of life through urban renewal and tries to send the heroin-addled stripper to rehab, they then turn against him by staging a massive protest that erupts into a riot. And the cherry on top this cheery fruitcake of Yuletide joy? All the characters are dying a slow and painful death from AIDS! Happy Holidays everyone!

2. Home Alone

Finally, a story about a child discovering the joy of Christmas through a series of nail-bitingly suspenseful nightmare scenarios that represent every parent’s, deepest and most profound fears! When a young boy’s negligent family unwittingly abandons their adorable son to spend the Holidays in Europe, he is forced to fend for himself against an attack from a duo of dangerous criminals intent on ransacking their home. Luckily, the child is a maniacally violent sociopath who wantonly subjects the would-be robbers to a brutal horror house of escalating tortures until they finally succumb to his merciless onslaught of pain and suffering. It’s Christmas fun for the whole family that is sure to teach your children that instead of calling the police, you should turn into a bloodthirsty vigilante bent on taking the law into your own hands by booby-trapping your house against all who dare enter it during the Holidays.

1. Die Hard

Finally it’s time for our absolute favorite Christmas movie, a touching tale of love, sacrifice and redemption that is guaranteed to warm the cockles of your heart like a toasty fire on a snowy night.  It’s the inspiring story of a hard-nosed cop who decides to visit his estranged wife and children for Christmas only to discover she is hiding his existence from everyone around her by living her life under a different name. This desperate man’s last-ditch attempt to save his marriage is rudely interrupted when a vicious gang of German terrorists infiltrate the office Holiday party and begin murdering employees in order to steal their assets. Narrowly escaping their clutches, our hero systematically hunts down and kills the entire band of terrorists. After his first kill, he places a Santa hat and a taunting message on the bullet-ridden corpse and leaves the body for the man’s grieving brother to find. Meanwhile, he forms a friendship with an overweight fellow police officer who recently shot an innocent child to death by dropping another mangled body onto the hood of the unsuspecting officer’s car. Eventually, our hero manages to save his marriage by throwing a man out of a high-rise window in front of her as we watch him plummet to a horrid death in haunting slow motion. And the corpulent peace officer finally makes up for killing that stupid kid by blowing away the one person that our hero had spared. Cue “Let it Snow” and roll credits ladies and gentlemen. It’s Christmas Eve.

Happy Holidays everyone! We sincerely hope that you and your family enjoy this lineup of our favorite Christmas films. We sure enjoyed putting it together for you!

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