Glaring Omissions,

All the living Presidents we’re supposedly invited to lunch at the White House today, but a few glaring omissions from the guest list lead me to believe that this meeting is not as amiable as we are meant to believe. Here is a brief list of other living former Presidents who were snubbed by President Dubya.

President Freeman

With all the hub-bub surrounding Barack Obama’s recent election, the American people have been ignoring the outstanding service of our actual first black President. After saving the world from an asteroid terrorist, this is all the respect we give him? Shameful.

President Pullman

A decorated war hero who parlayed his victory over the evil Darth Helmet into a successful Presidential bid, President Pullman saved us all from alien terrorists with a paticular hatred for famous Earth monuments. His rousing “Today we celebrate our Independence Day” speech has taken it’s place next to “Four score and seven years ago,” and “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” in the annals of great Presidential orations.  Again, a vicious snub of a fantastic President.

President Dave

The greatest President since Gerald Ford to never actually get elected for anything, let alone the Presidency. Even Secret Serviceman Ving Rames would’ve taken a bullet for him.

Presidents Garner and Lemmon

Two one-termers who defied bi-partisanship when they took down the dastardly President Dan Akroyd.

President Cromwell

President James Cromwell has served two terms in the White House, once in The Sum of All Fears and again in Oliver Stone’s W. As seen in this picture, President Freeman also served in the Cromwell administration.

President “Guy Who I Always Think Is James Cromwell, But He’s Not”

Donald Moffat! That’s he’s name. Donald Moffat. Yeah. Donald Moffat. Not James Cromwell. But he looks like him.

President Ford

No no no no no, not Gerald Ford. Harrison Ford. Dubya may have fought a “War on Terror,” but President Indiana Jones Han Solo literally fought terrorists with his bare fucking hands. God I love democracy.

President Tug Benson

A controversial President whose competence was questioned during the infamous Hot Shots-gate of the early nineties.

One More Movie President

Okay, you probably get the joke by now. These are all movie Presidents, not real ones. So finally, I want to celebrate the best actor who played the Prez: Ronald Reagan. Wait what? He was really President? You’re kidding me? Really? The cowboy guy with the monkey? What the fuck? Well shit, there goes the Oval Office…

Chess with the Bear and Obama’s “Big Stick”

The game with the Russians has always been one in which only the Pawns have suffered (The Viet-Cong, The Afghan Mujahideen, the CIA-trained Cuban Nationals, etc.) while the Kings and Queens remain safely out of play. Early in his brief administration, Kennedy found himself in Check, and cautiously moved his Knights and Rooks into a naval blockade of Cuba. While this tropical corner of the Chess board caught most of the international attention, other pieces were in play in Turkey, where the US had it’s own missile installations.

With an imminent power shift in Washington, and a foul stench of totalitarianism wafting from the Kremlin (talks of extended Presidential terms, and possibly seeing Putin return to the position) our pieces are back in play on the Polish border. This, coupled with the economic crisis, means that President Elect Barack Obama will encounter the challenges that greeted FDR and JFK in their first terms—at the same time. Obama is like the young Bobby Fischer going up against Russian Grandmaster Tigran Petrosian.

President Bush has let out a rip-roaringly stinky fart in the Oval Office before leaving, without the decency to light a match.

What allowed FDR to pull us out of the depression? He acted like a socialist.

What allowed JFK to avoid nuclear war? Keeping a cool head while the Joint Chiefs clamored for conflict.

The National Review cites that Obama was “an active member of the Democratic Socialists of America.”

Ebony recently cited Obama as one of the 25 “Coolest Brothers” of all time.

Obviously I feel less comfortable quoting those sources than I would quoting the fricking Bible, but I’m trying to prove a point. Obama needs a bold and noble vision like FDR, and an even cooler head than JFK. But he also needs to swing around Teddy’s big stick.